Last night I spoke in front of a room of 100 people about a Health and Happiness event I am helping to plan. I was very anxious about this and could feel my heart trying to pound right out of my chest while I was speaking. Afterwards, I had a horrible headache. I thought maybe it was the wine–too many sulphites? Or the nerves or that I had consumed too much caffeine during the day. What ever it was, it was still here this morning. Also lingering was a feeling of dissatisfaction with my body.
I rarely get to wear my big girl clothes (read–anything but yoga pants or jeans) and was excited to wear a pretty over coat I scored years ago at a consignment shop. It has always fit me perfectly. But last night when I went to button it, it was a very tight squeeze. My heart sank. I almost immediately felt humiliated and those old feelings of wanting to hide under my covers came rushing over me (not great when you are about to speak in public). I decided to wear the coat anyway, unbuttoned (we’re having an early spring after all).
Soon as I dropped my little charges off at school this morning, Leif, Sochi and I headed to Tiger Mountain. For the three hours we were on the mountain, I forgot about the stupid coat and feeling horrible about my body. I thought about how strong I was to carry my little boy on my back up the trail. I laughed watching how joyfully Sochi’s little nub of a tail wiggled as she sprinted up and down, stopping to sniff and then running back to loop around us. I feel this freedom from my insecurities while I’m running also. This is one of many reason running and hiking is so vital to me–it keeps me real.