Mama Guilt

Last night we got back from the rock gym and Leif was TIRED.  I knew he was exhausted before we left because he kept wanting to nurse while we were climbing. As I was dishing up the dinner I had prepared earlier in the day, he was wailing, flopping around, full on 2 year old tantrum.  He had set his mind on drinking my fancy coconut coffee creamer from the container.  I mixed a little with almond milk for him. CHOCOLATE almond milk.  Nope, not good enough.  Flail, scream, climb in the fridge.

Josh and I ate our dinner while he climbed on me and attempted to throw himself in all sorts of awkward poses.  Me, eating my dinner with one hand and holding him safe with the other.  Taking deep breaths and trying to enjoy my spelt berry and lentil salad.  After dinner, he said he wanted me to sit on the couch–which usually means nurse, so we did and within 5 minutes he was asleep.

Rawr. This kid is FULL of energy and spunk and determination and bunch of other stuff.

Rawr. This kid is FULL of energy and spunk and determination and bunch of other stuff.

I got a lot done.  I hung some art, I cleaned the kitchen, I wrote a blog post.  All the time knowing that this could go two ways–he’d sleep through the night, exhausted, or he’d wake up at some ungodly hour and want to eat cupcakes.  At about 12 AM, he woke up.  And he stayed up until 5 AM. OH. My. Word.  I brought the iPad to bed and let him watch Super Why.  He asked for a cliffbar.  Anything to keep him quiet and let me sleep a little.  He asked for water.  At one point I was snapped awake when he sat on my neck and I found myself gasping for air.  He screamed for “tidi’s” (cupcakes) until finally at 5 AM, I lost my cool.  I shouted, “IT’S TIME TO SLEEP! GO TO SLEEP!” and when he didn’t, I stormed into the other bedroom and dropped the F bomb while holding my tired head in my hands, startling Josh awake who immediately took Leif’s side and went to comfort a crying Leif–who then cried more because he wanted mama.  Finally, he settled in to bed with me and is still asleep.

How easy it is for me to lose my patience sometimes!  I didn’t behave this way when he was a newborn and I’d be up all night with him!  Although, I did shed some tears.  This morning I kissed his little face and told him I was sorry for shouting and I love him.  The thing is–mom’s get tired.  We sometimes don’t handle ourselves with the most grace and love that we envision we should have.  Because–we’re people.  We have actually physiological needs of our own.  Like sleep.  Like eating.  Like going poop.

I didn’t get up to run this morning like I had planned. No, I stayed in bed with Leif.  Partly because I was exhausted.  Partly because the park bathrooms are not open that early and the people at the grocery store all know what’s happening when I come rushing through multiple times before 7 AM, but mostly because I wanted to snuggle my boy.

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