Self Doubt Gremlins and Living your Truth

Remember that summer I had an emergency cesarean and our car needed a crap ton of work done on it?  Yeah, that was expensive.  With some rather hefty bills to be paid, I did some serious reflecting on the budget.  I looked over credit card bills and our checking account to look for expenses that could be cut.  One expense that continued to nag at me was my Beachbody OnDemand account along with my coaching fee.  Neither are hefty but both add up. I had the OnDemand because we don’t have a TV or DVD player and the CD drive on my computer does not work.  I checked Amazon and discovered that an external CD drive is like $20 so I called and canceled OnDemand.  I then reflected on my coaching fee and if it was really something I wanted to continue doing. It did not take too much soul searching to realize that, indeed, it was time to part ways with Beachboy– at least as a distributor.  I met some really wonderful women as a coach and I learned a lot.  I helped a handful of women get back on track with exercise and nutrition and I used the workouts as a tool for my 6-month program clients.  Ultimately though, I felt like I had to justify (to myself and to others) why I was selling these products and that doesn’t feel good.

Here are the reasons I decided it was time to part ways:

  1. Branding:  I’ve never liked the flashiness of the brand.  While all the workout programs I have tried are great, it feels…um…beachbody-y.  The focus feels really cosmetic.  I know this is not the mindset of many of the women I’ve met through the company but that just how the company comes off to me.  Sweet Beets mission is WHOLEHEARTED wellness.
  2. Shakeology:  I tried to love Shakeology and the Vegan Chocolate was pretty tasty but there are only two vegan flavors and I’m not into strawberry protein powder…nor am I going to attempt to sell the non-vegan options to friends because…well… I think whey is harmful for our bodies, the environment, and not kind to animals (not your mom, not your milk).  I think there are superior products out there for less money–my favorite being Vega.  Vega is certified non-gmo, 100 percent plant based, contains less sugar and has pretty much the same nutrition profile as the vegan Shakeology (which is not certified non-gmo).  I feel good about supporting a company that is committed to environmental (even their packaging!), animal, and personal health.  AND…Brendan Brazier, the founder, is a vegan endurance athlete.  Being that Vega is all vegan and non-gmo, there are so many different options at different price points. I like that I can mix it up (ha–pun intended) with my morning smoothie routine.
  3. I’m not a sales person and  I’m shitty at selling things I don’t believe in 100%:  The fact is, while I know that Beachbody has helped a ton of people get fit, it’s not the right fit for me so I suck at selling it.  I think I spent more on samples to give to people than I ever made from actual sales. I have spent a lot of time, money, and passionate energy studying wellness and plant based nutrition.  I’ve coached my own body through some pretty major athlete endeavors, injuries, illness, and even healed myself from depression, anxiety, IBS, and disordered eating.  I have the education and experience to design my own programs and, dammit, that’s what I’m doing. I want to invest my time in programs believe in 100%.

The moment I said this out loud (well, actually in a message to a friend), the universe cracked open and women began signing up for my programs (several women who I had approached about Beachbody but weren’t interested) and seeing incredible results within the first few days! One even signed up for two months of my meal planning after just a few days on my Fall Detox plan because she was so stoked.


Detoxing’ Right: Day 1 Left: Day 5


My Liquid Feast Day


Like ice cream but you feel Amazing After


Buddha Bowls Be Like…

So here I am, believing in myself.  As more women approach me about my programs and the little self-doubt-gremlin says, “what are you doing? Who do you think you are?” I take a deep breath and tell that Gremlin “I’m that lady who knows how to use plants to heal the body, lose excess fat, increase energy, prevent disease, and slow the mother effing aging process while  That’s who I am, little Self-Doubt-Gremlin…who do you think YOU are?”


The wound is the place where the light enters you. –Rumi


It’s difficult to believe Rein is already 10.5 weeks old!  He’s grown so much in the last 2.5 months.  He is so incredibly lovely.  For the most part, he is an easy going type of guy.  He loves to be worn in the ERGO, snuggle, and nurse.  He doesn’t love his carseat and screams something awful and makes my heart ache every time we go anywhere in the car but otherwise, he’s easy on his mama.

Speaking of being easy on his mama– I’m learning to “go easy” on myself as well.  Recovery from the cesarean has been anything but easy.  Just when I work one pain or issue out, another one surfaces.  I’ve had to learn to be patient with myself as my body heals from the ordeal.  I look at my tummy and don’t recognize it.  The notorious c-section shelf makes my cloths fit a little differently.  I have extra maternal fat stores (how long do I get to call them that?) on my hips. And then there is this giant scar just above my pubic line.  When I run, I still feel like my core might fall apart or my intestines might burst through the void where my abs used to be.

No, this is not the body I knew before.  This is body is forever changed.  While I know I’ll lose the last couple of pounds and that I’ll work my way back up to long distances, I know this body will never be the same. How could it?  I watched, with my own eyes, the physical trauma that occurred.  I watched the blade slice through me and my abs pulled apart.I watched the blood and I felt the hands that pushed and tugged and pulled.  I don’t think it is fair that I expect my body to look or feel exactly how it did before Rein’s birth.  I think the “getting my body back” after baby is kind of a bullshit thing.  I never “lost” my body.  My body just changed in pretty amazing ways to grown and birth human life.

This last week, I decided to stop saying mean things to myself about my body.  I decided that the instead of hating the way my body looks right now, I will celebrate all that it has done and all that it is doing.  It’s grown two healthy, beautiful lives.  I’ve pushed–marathon style– a baby from my vagina and just as courageously birthed one from my belly.  My body has been pregnant or breastfeeding for 4.5 years–sometimes both at the same time.  I’ve nourished two humans with my own body.  I can lift my boys, carry my boys, push my boys in the stroller.  I can run pushing 60 plus pounds of little boys and their gear.  My current body can do some kick ass things.