The wound is the place where the light enters you. –Rumi

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It’s difficult to believe Rein is already 10.5 weeks old!  He’s grown so much in the last 2.5 months.  He is so incredibly lovely.  For the most part, he is an easy going type of guy.  He loves to be worn in the ERGO, snuggle, and nurse.  He doesn’t love his carseat and screams something awful and makes my heart ache every time we go anywhere in the car but otherwise, he’s easy on his mama.

Speaking of being easy on his mama– I’m learning to “go easy” on myself as well.  Recovery from the cesarean has been anything but easy.  Just when I work one pain or issue out, another one surfaces.  I’ve had to learn to be patient with myself as my body heals from the ordeal.  I look at my tummy and don’t recognize it.  The notorious c-section shelf makes my cloths fit a little differently.  I have extra maternal fat stores (how long do I get to call them that?) on my hips. And then there is this giant scar just above my pubic line.  When I run, I still feel like my core might fall apart or my intestines might burst through the void where my abs used to be.

No, this is not the body I knew before.  This is body is forever changed.  While I know I’ll lose the last couple of pounds and that I’ll work my way back up to long distances, I know this body will never be the same. How could it?  I watched, with my own eyes, the physical trauma that occurred.  I watched the blade slice through me and my abs pulled apart.I watched the blood and I felt the hands that pushed and tugged and pulled.  I don’t think it is fair that I expect my body to look or feel exactly how it did before Rein’s birth.  I think the “getting my body back” after baby is kind of a bullshit thing.  I never “lost” my body.  My body just changed in pretty amazing ways to grown and birth human life.

This last week, I decided to stop saying mean things to myself about my body.  I decided that the instead of hating the way my body looks right now, I will celebrate all that it has done and all that it is doing.  It’s grown two healthy, beautiful lives.  I’ve pushed–marathon style– a baby from my vagina and just as courageously birthed one from my belly.  My body has been pregnant or breastfeeding for 4.5 years–sometimes both at the same time.  I’ve nourished two humans with my own body.  I can lift my boys, carry my boys, push my boys in the stroller.  I can run pushing 60 plus pounds of little boys and their gear.  My current body can do some kick ass things.

 

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